I frustrate my friends. I don’t try to, I wish I didn’t but I do.
They think I’m playing myself or selling myself short. They think I’m settling. They just want me to be happy. I love them for that.
I’m the warden of my own prison sometimes. The fear of heartbreak paralyzes me, I can’t move. I’m stuck right here. I believe my happiness isn’t wrapped up in me having a significant other. Yet sometimes it’s like being at the mall with no money. So many people close to me are in budding and solid relationships and I feel like a missed the boat. Sometimes I’m fine right where I am. Paralyzed. I try to leave all my past heartbreak and aches in the past but in my quiet moments they slither into my thoughts. I think about the confusion and disappointment of rejection. I thought I had closure but the truth remains I really don’t know what went wrong. I was sucker punched every time. Too much time has went by to find out from the source. Do I really want to know anyway? Nope. What will it change? Not a damn thing.
They think I can do better. They think I can get better. They worry about me. I love them for that.
While for most this wouldn’t be the ideal arrangement for most but it’s working for me. For once, I’m not being sold a dream. The truth makes me feel free with him. There was never a song and dance. I get why they want more from it and why they are boggled why I don’t. It is what it is. Que sera, sera.
